setback2comeback

500+ for 50 – day 8: risk going too far

Last night my girlfriend and I scrolled through the DVR and hit play on a recording of one of our favorite shows of the summer, Extreme Weight Loss.  If you haven’t seen it, I encourage you to tune in sometime soon.  I’m moved to tears nearly every week.  It’s an incredibly motivating and inspiring program.  This week’s episode featured a pastor’s wife and stay at home mother of two.  Since the age of 22, she has given her heart and soul to her family.  But in an effort to be a flawless mother and spouse, she neglected to take care of her own needs.  And her well-being was placed in jeopardy as a result.  Over the years as pressure mounted in her quest for perfection, she turned to eating to escape her pain.  And her weight ballooned to 315 pounds.  At 44 years old, with an empty nest at home, she began her one year journey to begin her life anew.  And her transformation was remarkable.

Trainer Chris Powell and his wife Heidi lead the chosen few at Extreme Weight Loss on their yearlong quests to drop 50% or more of their original body weight.  The first 90 days of the program are spent at a training facility in Colorado.  Chris and Heidi teach the individuals how to manage their meals effectively and they lead them through a rigorous workout schedule that pushes each participant to his or her breaking point.  Then they build them back up, and keep moving forward.  And at the end of 90 days, many of the focuses throughout the season have lost nearly one whole pound per day.  In the case of the pastor’s wife this week, with relentless effort and grit, she dropped a total of 94 pounds in just 3 short months…amazing.

Are these results typical?  On this program, yes.  In “real life”, perhaps not.  The transformations documented are accurately depicted by the show’s title as “extreme”.  But that does not mean that exceptional results are out of the reach of anyone.  Your goal may be weight loss, or it may be something completely different.  Perhaps for you it’s the launching and successful operation of a new business venture?  Or maybe you want to write a book?  Or run a marathon?  It doesn’t really matter what your dream may be.  In order to attain noteworthy success, you will need to push for extreme results in all that you do on the quest towards achieving your goals.  I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes from T.S. Eliot, “only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.”

When you commit to making an “extreme” transformation in your life, you will undoubtedly be met by a bit of resistance from some the people around you.  There will always be critics.  Many people enjoy watching others fail simply because it makes them feel more secure in their own skin.  You have to be willing to ignore them.  Engage the people who share your vision and who encourage your journey.  Don’t get caught up in the opinions of average thinkers when you’re after something extreme.  Your support network is critical.  The stay at home mother from last night’s episode excelled during her transformation because of her determined effort and commitment, but she was also helped tremendously by the efforts of her spouse who decided to embark on the weight loss journey with her, shedding 51 pounds of his own by year’s end.

There are no limits to this life.  I said it before and I will say it again, you are no different than anyone else who has chosen to commit to a revolutionary personal transformation.  Extreme results CAN be typical with extreme effort and determination.  You just have to have the “why” behind you that will drive you to see it through.  It’s okay to be a little extreme.  Nothing great was ever accomplished by those who settled for ordinary. 

Take it from our friend the pastor’s wife who lost 165 pounds in just 365 days.  Great results await those willing to risk going too far in order to achieve all that they desire.

May God Bless!

500+ for 50 – day 7: the two c’s to suCCess

I think that most people would agree that anytime we are in pursuit of a goal or a dream, there are two distinct hurdles that we must clear in order to achieve the success that we desire.  The first of these obstacles is the willingness to try.  And the second is the tenacity to stick to our chosen path until we reach our final destination.  Sounds pretty basic, right?  It is.  But the truth of the matter is that that these two mental obstacles handcuff most people for their entire lives.  Who knows what greatness might be achieved if we all took the initiative to get going and not resign until we reach our peaks.

In our country, it’s become far too easy for the average individual to sink back into his chair and view the world from the sidelines.  We are all engaged by the people that we admire.  Athletes, entrepreneurs, artists, scholars, servicemen…the list can go on and on.  We love playing the role of the fan.  And although we may feel that we live and die by the actions and words of our heroes, our risk is non-existent.  It’s the individuals doing the work, making the sacrifices, and chasing their dreams that are truly the risk takers.  They’ve made the investment in personal growth.  Too many of us are simply living our dreams vicariously through our idols.  After all, it’s far more comfortable to exist in a world where there is no threat of personal failure.  So “let someone else do it” we say…”I’m not good enough anyway”.

That little negative self-directed statement is enough to keep the average person living a life completely off course with their vision and purpose for the majority of their time on this earth.  That’s a sad truth.  Fears of risk, failure, and judgment…these anxieties are dream killers.  They do nothing but limit a person’s ability to live a fulfilling life that will serve to enrich the lives of those around them.  There is no validity to the negative self-talk that we speak.  We are the product of a perfect God.  Where we see flaws, the Good Lord sees our greatest strengths.  Those people that you admire on TV or in the news, they are no different than you.  They’ve just committed their lives to success.  And I can assure you that each and every one of them embodies two very special qualities: courage and consistency.

You cannot go anywhere without courage.  Courage is the ability to step forward in spite of the fears and threats of pain that will inevitably arise when we decide to chase our dreams.  It takes guts to get started.  I heard one of my favorite speakers declare once that “if your dream doesn’t scare you, it isn’t big enough.”  No one is immune to fear.  But we all have the ability to choose how it is that we will react to it when it presents itself.  When you decide to blaze a new trail in your life, you will face anxieties that you never even knew existed.  It’s our body’s natural reaction to send us into protective mode when we encounter something new because it is has perceived that a threat has been made that will set us off balance.  You’ve got to roll with it and push forward.  Your goals and dreams need to reach a level of importance to you that you will not retreat.  You have to be invested in the idea that you’re ready to lace them up and take the field.  Your days of being a fan are now over.

Once you’re moving in the right direction, there is no doubt that your adrenaline and momentum will provide you with a euphoric high for days or even weeks that you will not want to lose.  But life is not going to always provide you with sunny skies and a clear road ahead on the pathway to success.  You are going to encounter adversity.  Not once, but time and time again.  And this is where the second “C” comes into play.  Consistency.  It’s got to be the most difficult thing for dream chasers to master.  Every New Year you see people willing to get started on a new weight loss goal.  But how many treadmills are turned into clothes racks just a few months later?  That’s because the individual’s desire for success was not strong enough to motivate him to master the consistency needed to hit his targets.  There are going to be bad days.  Consistency is anticipating difficulty and sticking to the program anyway.  It means running when your legs ache, it means studying when you’d rather watch a movie, it means sacrificing financially when you’d love to treat yourself to some worldly comforts, it means getting up early when you’d rather sleep in…you get it…it means not changing your course of action for ANYTHING.  The people who are truly successful at achieving all that they desire do not miss a step.  They form habits that guarantee success by maintaining a consistent effort at all times.

We’ve all got a unique star gazing child inside of us that’s just begging for chance to play ball.  And our greatest contributions reside within that dreamer’s eyes.  So take him or her out back and toss it around a few times.  You might be offered the courage to build something spectacular.  And with consistent, determined action, your finished product will be sure to shine.

May God Bless!

500+ for 50 – day 6: find your fire

In 1988, Yellowstone National Park faced it’s most devastating summer on record.  A hot and dry climate left the grasses remaining from the moist spring set to burn like tinder at the first strike of lightning.  And that’s exactly what happened as the inevitable summer storms rolled in.  More than 50 wildfires (some of which were also started by humans) set the park ablaze.  When it was all said and done, 793,000 of the park’s more than 2.2 million acres had been ravaged by fire.  Amazingly now 26 years later, Yellowstone has made a tremendous comeback.  The forest has regenerated at a rapid rate, surprising even the most optimistic scientists.  The wildfires of 1988 had simply served as a reset to the forest’s lifecycle.  And over the last quarter century, the forest has resiliently reclaimed the land that it’s called home since the dawn of creation.

In July of 2011 when I was born again in Christ I faced a similar phenomenon in my life.  I had spent the first 28 years of my time on this earth giving root to a slew of unhealthy growth.  And my forest was overrun with weeds and thick-rooted, lifeless sun grabbers.  Its canopy had been long established by a stubborn foundation that had laid claim to the land many years earlier.  There was no room on the forest floor for the introduction of new, healthy saplings.  And even if there had been the new growth would have never seen the sun under the light sealed canopy above.  My forest was weathered and it was slowly dying.  It was time to reset the lifecycle so that new growth could be introduced. 

Thankfully, as I surrendered my life to The Lord he reclaimed what was rightfully His and began transforming my forest immediately.  When I was introduced to the truth, I began to recognize the weeds and the dusty old growth that had been choking the life out of the forest floor and forcing everything worthwhile to strain to exist under a canopy of darkness.  Prior to that time, everything had appeared the same to me.  I didn’t recognize a sapling as being good or bad, I just planted whatever I wished, never worrying about what it might do to the overall health of the forest.  But with the assistance of God, I had a new vision for my ecosystem.  I understood the gift of life, and I promised to take care of my forest and see to it that it did not simply survive, but that it thrived.

So I set fire to the weeds and dried up trunks that were creating an uninhabitable environment for healthy saplings to take root.  And I let it burn.  I said goodbye to destructive relationships, to vices that led me astray, to insecurities that kept me shut in, and to fears that held me hostage.  I gave up my need to fit in and placed my focus on fulfilling my life’s purpose through Christ.  I offered forgiveness to those who had hurt me in my past, and I pleaded for mercy for all of the wrongs that I had done to myself and to others over the years.  And my forest burned as though it had been drenched in gasoline.  A thick, heavy smoke filled the area around surrounding me as a reminder of my polluted past.  But it wasn’t long until the flames diminished and the light reappeared in the sky above.  And finally, I could breathe again, a new man with a blank canvas.

I can recall very vividly the incredible feeling that I had when I began planting seeds in my new forest.  For the first time in my life, I truly felt alive.  All of my burdens were gone.  I had put everything that had hindered me into God’s hands, and He had thrown it all into the fire.  And now, even with a seemingly devastated landscape surrounding me, I saw nothing but opportunity.  I had no idea how to even begin to start restructuring my land, but The Lord provided me with the direction and the rich soil and seedlings to get going.  And before I knew it, new roots were being established, and life was beginning again.

I wish that I could end my story here, but the honest truth is that recently I had to take the time to pull some weeds in my forest again.  Thankfully, I don’t believe that this reclamation will require a full burn to restore order.  The soil is still rich, however there was some unhealthy growth introduced, and so today I am clearing the land for some new saplings to thrive.  Perhaps in another 25 years, with the proper care and attention I’ll look like the new Yellowstone.

If you haven’t had your fire, I encourage you to seek it.  You may feel as though you’d be sacrificing a lot to the flames, but trust me you’ll be getting FAR more in return.  And I think you’ll find great peace in what remains.  It’s really all that you need.

May God Bless!

500+ for 50 – day 5: YOU have been hired full time

A few years ago when I first began writing in my blog, I decided to share my work with my professional network on LinkedIn.  At that time I had already established a bit of a following on Facebook with over 2,000 Likes on the website dedicated page that I had established to house my writing and offer quotes and items to inspire and motivate others.  Initially I was a little bit hesitant to offer my personal life story up to my colleagues and industry connections and friends.  But I truly believed that God was calling me to share with anyone who might have an interest in listening.  I believed wholeheartedly that if my story could help just one person through a difficult time in their life, then it would all be worth it.

So each time that I contributed to my blog, I began copying the links to my posts in the news feed on LinkedIn.  I also established a link to my website (www.setback2comeback.com) in my profile for anyone in my network who wanted access to it.  A few weeks into things, I received a call from the HR manager handling my employment at that time.  Though hesitant with her approach, she instructed me that it was in my boss’s interest that I remove my blog from my LinkedIn page and refrain from any further submissions.  The news stung.  I called my manager directly to discuss the issue with him, and he insisted that business and personal were intended to remain separate and that there was no room for negotiation.  He grew very aggressive with me about the situation and turned into someone that quite honestly I had trouble recognizing.  Forced to comply with his demands, I felt completely alienated by my company.

I asked myself repeatedly, how could this be enforceable in the first place?  My employer didn’t have any ownership stake in my LinkedIn profile.  The company wasn’t paying for any type of premium service for me to utilize for business.  And my profile had existed long before I even began working for them.  Why was it their business to get involved in my writing?  And why did they feel threatened by it?  After all, what I was sharing was meant to be inspirational, faith based, and motivating.  Why would anyone be ashamed of that?  I certainly was not ashamed.  I was proud of my story and the unique perspective that I had to offer others. 

In the time that has passed since that incident, I’ve learned a lot about how people tend to react to others in a professional setting.  Most seem to feel very intimidated by a completely honest approach towards life.  Perhaps it makes them feel less secure in their own skin?  Regardless of the reason, it’s really sad that employees feel the pressure to hide who they are in their personal lives behind the suit that they wear in their professional careers.  None of us were born without flaws.  Our imperfections are often the things that make us most unique.  God does not make mistakes.  We were all created with a distinct purpose in mind.  And if we aren’t able to utilize our whole being in our working lives, then I think we perhaps need to question what (and who) exactly it is that we are working for anyway.  If it’s just about a paycheck, it shouldn’t be.  Life is meant to carry far more meaning than that.

We spend over 30% of our working lives week in and week out heading to the careers of our choosing.  That figure is of course based upon a 40 hour, full-time work week.  So that leaves less than 70% of our days available for the development and advancement of our personal lives (keep in mind that we spend 30% of that sleeping!).  The point that I’m trying to make is that if you’re compromising who you are for your career, you’re only functioning effectively in the skin that you were given on a part-time basis.  And if you’re neglecting the skills and talents that make you, YOU at work, then there is a strong likelihood that you’ve grown comfortable in doing it at home, too.  And that’s a shame, because God has a plan for all that He’s instilled in you.  But you can’t mine diamonds part-time; it’s a full-time commitment.

I want to challenge you today to give 100% of YOU to that 30% of your life that might have been neglected up until now.  Your career is meant to do more than serve to pay the bills.  You’ll be amazed by all of the wonderful people that you’ll attract to your life when you’re living free full-time.  I promise you, your success will not be hindered.  People will admire your approach and your honest living will inspire others to break free of the chains that bind them….and there is no greater work than that!

May God Bless!

500+ for 50 – day 4: calm the mind

Sales is not a career for the faint of heart.  Throughout the course of my time selling I’ve found myself in more anxious and stressful situations than I can even begin to count.  That’s a big part of the reason for the high turnover rate in sales related positions.  Most newcomers fall in love with the uncapped earning potential associated with a successful track record in the business.  But they tend to overlook the obstacles that they will undoubtedly encounter on the road to prosperity.  Then at the moment adversity hits, their fight or flight response kicks in and they go running back to their desk job, pleading for comfort.  We’ll never know what they had been able to accomplish if they had just learned to take control of their emotions and calm their minds.

Whether or not we want to admit to it, we all have fears.  According to several different studies, people rank public speaking as their number one fear.  Number one!  That’s pretty hard to believe, but true.  And as salespeople, we do a lot of public speaking.  That’s probably one of the most challenging aspects of the job.  Facing the stress and pressure to convert a deal we sit down in front of a team of scrutinizing decision makers and try to win their trust and confidence and earn a shot at their business.  It can be very intimidating, especially when our next paycheck is on the line.

Many of you who know me also know a bit about my background and story beyond my life in sales.  If you’ve followed my blog over the course of the last several years, you know that I’ve suffered with some pretty debilitating anxiety at different times in my life.  At one point just over three years ago, I was nearly agoraphobic.  My walls were closing in quickly.  Life became about nothing more than survival to me.  I was a prisoner of my mind.  Thankfully, God intervened.  And as I grew in my faith, I began taking baby steps beyond the walls that had confined me.  And with nothing more than sheer determination and divine inspiration and guidance, I was able to escape and begin living a more fulfilling life again.

During that period of time in my life when I first began confronting the demons that had been haunting me, I used several techniques that I had developed to calm my mind in moments of panic.  I began leading everything that I did with faith…even simple tasks like taking out the trash.  I put my trust in God to return me home safely and I slowly began letting go of my need to control the outcomes.  I also utilized a lot of positive self-talk.  I had a statement “Let Go-Trust-Believe-Faith” that I would recite quietly to myself during all trips beyond my comfort zone.  I’d allow the words to follow the steps of my feet as I walked with uncertain, trembling legs to my destination.  I also practiced visualization and breathing skills to restore my calm.  I would envision that I was lying on a beach and that the anxiety approaching was simply a wave that would wash over me and pass.  I stopped running from the fear, and instead began allowing it to pass over me quietly as I closed my eyes and exhaled long, deep, deliberate breaths that slowed my heart rate and brought me peace.

Now you’re probably wondering, why on earth would an individual with a history of severe anxiety want to work in a profession like sales?  And that answer is pretty simple.  I choose to work in sales because it pushes me.  It forces me out of my comfort zone and it creates anxieties and stressors in my working life that I am forced to confront and manage effectively.  And that’s how I remain healthy.  If I am not challenging my fears, then in all likelihood, I am succumbing to them. 

My sales career has given me the opportunity to put to good use many of the arousal control skills that I developed during earlier periods of my personal life.  The key to successful emotional and physiological management is one’s ability to calm the mind.  What I found with anxiety was that when I participated in the aggravation of my symptoms, things would only spin further out of control.  I think that we can all relate to this in one way or another.  If we engage our fears while on a call with a prospective client, those negative emotions will only cause us to lose further control of our presentation, and we will wind up walking away from our meeting feeling like we blew it.  But if we practice strategies to remain balanced: faith, self-talk, visualization, breathing, etc we can calm the mind, focus on our objectives, and start winning new business.

A couple of months ago I watched the film Lone Survivor which documents the heroic, gritty efforts of Navy SEAL, Marcus Luttrell.  I was so amazed by the mental toughness of the Navy SEAL team in the film that I began researching the SEALs methods of training and preparation.  And over the course of the past few months, I’ve uncovered some excellent documentaries and interviews that have offered a peak into the lives of the most amazing military personnel on the planet.  I found that the SEALs spend a great deal of time training their men on mental toughness.  Within that training they focus on four primary objectives: goal setting, mental rehearsal, self-talk, and arousal control.  I was shocked by how similar their objectives were to mine during times of crisis.  It’s really not that complicated, but even our nation’s most elite warriors must practice these techniques tirelessly in order to perfect them.

I encourage you to begin developing these skills within yourself immediately.  If you learn to calm your mind, you will overcome every fear and obstacle that you encounter in life.  Learn to sell like a SEAL.  Win the battle in your mind before you enter the board room, and opportunities will always await you on the other side of the door. 

May God Bless!

500+ for 50 – day 3: permission granted

Most people spend the better part of their lives seeking to become the image of the person that the world considers “successful”.  Every day in our country we are bombarded with propaganda telling us what beauty is, what happiness looks like, and what type of person we need to become to achieve all of the worldly riches that we desire.  We idolize, we obsess, and we critique ourselves against what the masses have determined to be ideal.  Our society has transformed into a silent pressure cooker.  It’s no wonder that there are more individuals facing anxiety, depression, and other mental health related setbacks than ever.  There is perhaps nothing more draining emotionally and psychologically than living a life that is not our own.

Before I came to know Christ I was living a life that was the image of one which I had perceived would be well regarded by the masses.  I purchased things that I couldn’t necessarily afford and moved quickly to take significant financial risks that would allow me to temporarily advance one aspect of my life or another.  I worried about how I looked to everyone – not just friends, family, and members of the opposite sex, but professional connections as well.  I was very insecure.  On the surface, I may have appeared a confident individual, but that wasn’t really the case at all.  A man who is truly comfortable in his own skin does not seek the approval of anyone other than the Lord Himself.

I had spent all of the early part of my life quietly begging for the support of others.  And it was not until I came to know God that I began to understand how misguided I had been all along.  When I surrendered my life to Christ, waves of clarity and truth began to wash over me.  I quickly realized how wrong I had been in my assumptions about life.  I was finally able to distinguish between God’s vision for my future and the world’s.  And I loved His plan.  It was so liberating.  It was as if I was taking my first breath all over again.  I hadn’t realized how confining and debilitating my life had been.  I became a new man – a free man.  Seeking no approval other than His, I found myself pursuing the talents and gifts that He had provided me, fulfilling a mission that had purpose and heart behind it.  I asked for the permission of no one as I knew I had His blessing, and that was all that mattered to me.

I pursued God’s path for my life for about a year and a half, and then the world dug its claws into me again.  I became distracted by financial considerations and material things, and although I remained a faithful Christian, I began trying to do things on my own and not according to His plan.  And quickly I began reliving the failures of my life prior to my rebirth in Christ.  I stopped putting my full trust in God to lead me and as a result I began living my days filled with internal turmoil and conflict.  There was the person who I wanted to be and then the person that the world was urging me to become.  I didn’t like that person at all, but I felt such an urgency to comply that I began to override my faith on a regular basis.  And those decisions only led me to further despair.

Thankfully, God has had mercy on me, offering me a second chance to right the ship.  And I plan to make the most of it this time around.  Life is a battleground.  You will be pressured until the day that you die to make decisions that may not correspond with who you are as a person in Christ.  There will be society driven perceptions of wealth, beauty, and success infiltrating your well-being from all angles.  You will need to learn to tune out the noise and turn up your faith.  You cannot trust the world.  But you can trust God.

The desire to fit-in can be overwhelming in this life.  The good news is that you have a choice.  Choose not to fit in.  You don’t need anyone’s permission to live your life pursuing the mission that God has designated you.  No one can criticize you for the way that you look, for the car that you drive, or for the home that you live in.  You are the creation of a perfect God – He does not make mistakes.  Your gifts are special.  They might be unique by this world’s standards, but that could be the very reason that you were given them.  You may have something revolutionary to share…so get to it, we need you!  Do things differently. Stand out.  Break the trends.  Be secure in your faith and in yourself.  The world needs to change and it’s not going to send you an invitation to join the action committee.  You need to take the lead…permission has been granted.

May God Bless!

500+ for 50 – day 2: sell yourself

I remember attending the first true sales training event of my professional career when I began working for Worldwide Express back in 2006.  I had accepted a position with the Philadelphia Center City office and was required to travel to the corporate headquarters in Dallas, TX for a weeklong introduction to the business and to our company delegated sales process.  There were more than 70 fresh Account Executives in the class, most of whom (like me) were very recent graduates from colleges and universities nationwide.  It was an intimidating experience.  We were led by a very charismatic, energetic VP level executive, and he expected us to perform well.  Excelling in sales training meant following the rules and sticking to the script.  I played along and did just fine, ultimately surviving my initiation.  But I definitely left with a bit of a sour taste in my mouth with regards to corporate sales training.

To grade the value of a salesperson on the execution of his designated script or some other type of prescribed gimmicky process serves to do nothing more than diminish the value of the person altogether.  Any “Joe” off the street can learn a script.  We can teach elementary aged students the 7 Steps of a Sale.  Is that what we believe really makes a salesperson successful?  If so, I should probably find a new career.  Because I honestly feel that I have a whole lot more to offer the marketplace than that which is prescribed by someone else.  And you should too.  After all, that’s why many of us likely got into sales in the first place.  We valued the uncapped potential associated with building our business through the development and promotion of our own talents and work ethic within the framework of a successful organization.  A successful salesperson doesn’t sell a product or a script, he sells himself, and he does it at an exceptional level. 

The value of a salesperson rests in his ability to relate to his clients and build longstanding relationships.  Pretty simple concept, right?  Great relationships lead to countless business related opportunities. Effective management of the opportunities given leads to future work related commitments.  And future commitments lead to the growth of client relationships and ultimately to the overall success of the salesperson.  Those are undeniable facts that we can all agree upon.  It’s the described path that we must take to establish those relationships that’s truly up for debate…

My position is this…there is no better you than you.  God created each and every one of us with a unique purpose in mind.  We are not robots.  We are meant to learn from others and incorporate some of those lessons into our own personal growth, but more importantly, we are meant excel at being the very likeness of whom God has challenged us to be.  And we will never find the best of who we are within a script written by someone else.  Each of us has the power to write our own story, our own script.  And we all have certain strengths and abilities that are unique to the people that we have become.  Those are the things that we should be selling.  Our individual talents and skills are the gifts that we have to offer those around us, and they will serve as the cornerstone of all of our most successful relationships, not only in business, but in life in general.

Every salesperson will face competition within their industry.  None of us will ever likely be in a position to sell a product or capability that has not been matched by a competitor.  There are lots of sales books out there touting what it takes to “close more deals” and “have this year be your biggest year ever”.  But the fact of the matter is that those books are someone else’s success story, not yours.  I challenge you to write your own plan for success.  Ditch the script and start selling yourself.  Embrace the qualities that make you unique, and hook up with people who will appreciate what YOU bring to the table.  Your success will never be defined by anyone but you.  So excel at being your best, and the relationships, the sales, and the prosperity will follow.

May God Bless!

500+ for 50 – day 1: tuition paid

The other day I heard a great metaphor from a motivational speaker that I admire quite a bit. He related the adversities that one encounters on the road to success as a “tuition” being paid. That’s a pretty enlightening thought. Far too often we interpret the trials and tribulations that test our will and redirect us back to comfort as dream killers. We fail to see the bigger picture. Our dreams are not dead. The goal is not out of reach simply because we hit a wall. Every time that we encounter pain and are faced with setbacks we are receiving an education in life, in perseverance, and in the commitment necessary to achieve true success.

I’m thankful for my education. I was raised by family who had the means necessary to afford me every opportunity to advance my knowledge and skills. I consider that a true blessing. I learned a lot during the four years that I spent earning my degree. But it wasn’t the details of the subject matter that were most critical to my success in college. It was the work ethic, the commitment to excellence, and the time management skills that I learned that were most important. And to this very day, they are the strongest attributes that I carry with me as a professional.

I was an American History major in college. Today, I work in sales. Does that make my degree meaningless? Not at all. Because I could have never had a successful career in sales without the lessons that I learned and life experience that I gained while pursuing my education. Is it necessary for everyone to earn their degree to attain the type of exposure necessary for success? Perhaps not. But for me, it was crucial.

My point here is that it’s not the details that are important, it’s the journey and the lessons learned along the way. Some might think that it’s crazy for a family to extend a bundle of financial resources towards an education that doesn’t translate into a specific career opportunity. I would argue strongly against that. For me, college was the first place where I was first truly held accountable as a young adult. I was forced to grow up and learn exactly what type of commitment it would take for me to be successful. I pulled all-nighters, got up for a bunch of early classes and tirelessly took notes during every lecture when I could have very easily stayed in bed. I learned to read and write effectively, to manage stress, and to expand my horizons and educate myself on subjects outside of my comfort zone. You cannot put a price on that type of experience. It’s invaluable.

So why as an adult is it so very hard for us to keep in perspective the meaning of the journey to success? Maybe it’s the demands on our time, the work stressors and financial burdens that leave us vulnerable to those walls that encourage surrender and retreat. We need to keep in mind that the pathway to excellence remains the same as it was when we were first exposed to independent life. And that if we stay the course and put in the work, battling through late nights and early mornings preparing and striving for success, that we are going to ace life’s final exams. We are paying life’s tuition. Setbacks are not meant to deter our progress, they are meant to encourage us to grow stronger. You better believe that there will always be more adversity waiting beyond each advance made towards your goals. Embrace it; you’re getting an education that’s everlasting – PAID IN FULL by your commitment to being the best “you” that you can be.

May God Bless!

10 lessons learned in love

1. Share your faith
Life is going to challenge us. That’s a fact that we simply cannot avoid. We will undoubtedly face obstacles within ourselves as individuals and within our families as a whole throughout the course of our relationship. And when adversity strikes we may find ourselves feeling tempted to allow our circumstances to infect the positive things around us. Most frequently, the person impacted most dramatically is the one that is closest to us. Isolate your issues and feed your faith in times of trouble. Pray together. Go to church. Keep your collective commitment to your Lord and Savior, and He’ll ensure that life’s difficulties never become a threat to your future with your loved one.

2. Emotions lie
When we make decisions based upon emotion, we often live to regret the outcomes. This rule applies to every area of our lives, including our relationships. Emotionally driven responses lead to poor choices in communication and to hurtful and sometimes devastating consequences. We need to police our emotions. Before we react, we need to analyze the facts. Is what we’re feeling a result of the immediate situation? Or is there a weight inside of us personally that we are carrying that’s clouding our decision making? Step away, calm yourself, and think before you respond in a confrontation. Your emotions cannot be trusted. If they are not disciplined, they will take advantage of and tarnish even the most vibrant relationships.

3. Intimacy takes effort
Intimacy is that closeness that we all desire to share with the person that we love. Many times we think of intimacy as that picture perfect moment of affection that we experience together against a romantic backdrop of our choosing. You know the images… Waves crashing on a beach against a sunset sky as two lovers hold hands and share a perfect kiss… We all have our own views of how those priceless moments will pan out with one another. But that’s not true intimacy. Intimacy can happen anywhere. It doesn’t require a perfect setting or impeccable timing. Intimacy requires trust. It involves two partners letting go of fear, and letting love in. And when you share those commitments with one another, your bond will allow you to experience intimacy everywhere that you go in your relationship. A simple smile acknowledging your love can evoke intimacy among partners who are truly connected.

4. Forget the fairytale ending
True love is not a journey with a beginning and an end. Storybook fairytale endings of love and romance tend to only create unrealistic expectations that later trigger resentment within relationships. Let me let you in on a little secret… You are not perfect, and your partner is not either. That relationship of yours, it’s going to take a lot of hard work. And there are no magical rainbows in sight beyond your life’s prescribed milestones of achievement. There is only more growth. True love is committing to placing your value in the journey, not the destination. Because we will never truly arrive. We will always have things to work on as both individuals and as partners in our relationships. So find someone who’s willing to go the distance with you. And cherish the journey as you write your own story. There are no limits.

5. Patience truly is a virtue
Patience can be difficult these days. In our fast paced, tech driven society we want access to everything instantaneously. We can grow irritable and agitated when minor glitches set our tasks off course by mere seconds. The mindset that we’ve grown accustomed to in 2014 is not healthy for us socially. It’s a threat to our relationships. Humans are not programmed to respond to our requests with the speed of a Google search. We need to recognize this, because it’s important that we do not grow impatient in our interactions with our loved ones. We must learn to slow down, listen, acknowledge, and share compassion with those that we care about. If we neglect these things, our relationships will suffer. Today’s technology is amazing, but no matter how limitless it may appear, it cannot build or sustain relationships. Only humans can do that, and we are wired far differently. We require a nurturing, loving approach for growth and development. We require patience.

6. Don’t forget to look in the mirror
As our relationships develop over time, too often we tend to grow far too skilled at pointing the finger. We see something in our partner that drives us crazy, and we react to it. And as their behavior becomes more predictable to us, we develop our hot button responses to set their course straight again. If we’re not careful, the nudges that we offer will lead to distance in our relationships. And our loved ones will begin to feel undervalued and inadequate. And that’s simply not fair. Because at the voice of our critical reactions is a very flawed human being. We all have our faults. So we need to remember to look in the mirror and remind ourselves of that before we decide to become the judge in our relationships. We will most likely find that many of us embody the same types of flaws in ourselves that we find in our partners. Perhaps that’s the real reason that those limitations drive us so crazy.

7. Share the love
We cannot get the most out of our relationships if we are not willing share our love with one another. In life, we experience a lot of ups and downs. The truth is, no matter where we are now, we all have a past. And in that past there are likely a few what-might-have-beens, several disappointments, and a handful of painful heartaches. We need to accept that our partner has very likely had their own share of similar experiences. And together, we must work to overcome any walls inside of one another that may have been built to protect us from future let downs in relationships. We must encourage each other and lead with love at all times, remembering that emotional baggage can be difficult to discard as we move forward in our lives. We must build mutual trust to such a level that we can agree that our new love is worth the risk, and then we must scale the walls that have held us back from one another. We must let go and share the love.

8. Appreciate the work
It’s very important in relationships that we share our gratitude for one another. In our day to day lives, each of us will be confronted with unique challenges that others cannot possibly understand without actually walking a day in our shoes. Our personal difficulties are no more overwhelming than our partners simply because we perceive them that way. We don’t know what they experience. But it’s important that we try to understand, empathize, and show our general appreciation for their commitment to their work and to our cause. This is a team effort. We need to remember that. Showing gratitude will only serve to reinforce the strength of our bond with one another. When we feel appreciated, we tend to work harder and view our relationship as an investment. And at day’s end, when we make a deposit for our team, our future benefits in a big way.

9. Offer a reassuring touch
One of the biggest fears that partners seem to encounter in relationships is the fear of abandonment. These fears may occur at the onset of a relationship as a result of past experiences or they may develop later on when time perhaps creates a bit of staleness and distance between partners. We worry, are we good enough? Do our partners still love us like they once did? Do they still find us attractive? These questions and negative conversations within us are not healthy. So what is it that we can offer as a partner to help ensure that our loved ones do not head down these paths of worrisome destruction? We can offer a simple, reassuring touch. This is not a one-time thing, it’s a daily commitment. Hold her hand, give her a hug, put your arm around her, cuddle with her on the couch, lay tight next to her in bed – let her know that you’re there, and that you’re committed to be by her side forever. Then rinse and repeat. Ladies, this applies to you as well. Men like women who can’t keep their hands off them, too.

10. Fight for it
Earlier we touched on the idea that true love is a journey and that it does not come equipped with a fairytale, storybook ending. In fact, it doesn’t come with any ending laid out for us whatsoever. Our relationships are free to take the paths that we choose. There are no guarantees. Along our journey, we will undoubtedly encounter countless stumbling blocks. There will be critics, there will be temptations, and there will be others who desire to see us apart. And we will find that there are far more reasons for us to fail than there are for us to succeed. We must accept this. We must recognize that it’s not going to be an easy road. And we must value each other enough to ignore the odds and fulfill our commitment to chase our dreams for a better life, together. When we are tested, we must respond. We cannot quit, we must stay and fight. Some days it may be ugly. Love is a battle. But true love never relents. “It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)

Happy Two Year Anniversary to the love of my life! I put this together for you tonight, my dear. I hope that you understand just how much I value our commitment to each other. I’m here for you always. Thank you for being a part of this amazing journey with me. I can’t wait to see where our road will lead.

debt limits

Years ago when I was just a young child I remember battling with my older sister as siblings normally do. My kryptonite was her signature move that involved draping a blanket over my head and pinning me down to the ground. I absolutely hated the torment of the feeling that I was left with every single time that she did it. I would scream until she pulled the blanket off of me and then she would laugh at my fear of her fairly harmless maneuver. It wasn’t as if she was trying to hurt me or anything, I had plenty of air beneath the blanket, but I could not handle the claustrophobic feeling that rushed through my body the second that my head was covered. It sent me into a complete panic.

Claustrophobia is defined as “a fear of being in closed or small spaces” and additionally as “an unhappy or uncomfortable feeling caused by being in a situation that limits or restricts you”. I guess that you could say that those experiences with my sister likely were my first encounter with this particular fear. At least they’re the first that I have memory of anyway. But claustrophobia in my life was certainly not going to be limited to experiences with blanket battles in sibling rivalries. As my anxiety disorder began to progress during my late teenage years, claustrophobia became something that I had to learn to confront on a very frequent basis. Anxiety manipulates our perceptions by creating intimidating, threatening environments that restrict our willingness to participate in the lives that we’ve been given. Our minds perceive harm from unreasonable sources, prompting us to take impulsive actions that we believe will lead us back to safety. You see when you’re met with perceived harm your brain is programmed to trigger a protective escape mechanism known as the fight or flight response. And in moments of intense panic, “fight” is rarely the chosen road. When claustrophobic circumstances presented themselves in my life during periods of anxiety my instincts would scream for me to run back to safety. But sometimes, an immediate escape is simply not possible. Sometimes we must learn to stay and fight.

I’ve come a long way with anxiety over the past ten plus years, but in the present day I still experience many situations that prompt those claustrophobic feelings inside of me. For instance, have you ever stepped into an empty elevator in a hotel in the city on your way down to the lobby from the 20th floor only to find that your route is going to be detoured by five or more stops to pick up additional guests on your trip south? By the time you arrive in the lobby you’re peeling yourself off the back wall of an absolutely cramped elevator with clammy hands and beads of sweat heading down your forehead. Not a pleasant feeling at all, is it? I know it well. It’s the same feeling that I get when my flight is delayed for takeoff for an hour nearby the runway due to a seemingly endless line of planes ahead of us awaiting signal for lift off to the skies above. Or it’s the isolated, white knuckle feeling that I get when driving across a bridge over an expanse of water three to four miles wide. Sometimes it can even be as simple as finding myself stuck in a conversation at a co-worker’s doorway that I really want to leave. That’s a bit extreme of course, but it’s been a reality at different points for me in my life, and I think we can all relate a bit to situations that prompt our own feelings of claustrophobia. It’s never an enjoyable experience.

But reaching beyond all of those encounters, there is nothing truly comparable to the severity of the ongoing claustrophobic feeling that I’ve encountered for years as a result of one specific aspect of my life. And that is the claustrophobia created by debt. This extremely limiting and imprisoning fear has led me down the road of destruction for more than eight years of my life. It’s ruined certain relationships in my life, and more than anything, it’s made ruin of me – mentally, physically, and spiritually. I believe wholeheartedly that debt is the devil’s playground, and I hope that today I will be able to bring to light what’s been a horribly dark issue in my life. I am here to expose evil, that which remains in me and that which limits others. And to date, I can think of nothing darker than debt, which I believe is the devil’s stronghold in many of us.

For those of you that have followed my blog from its inception and know my story, you’ll recall that during my senior year of college, I met the woman with whom I believed I would spend the rest of my life. A few months following graduation during the summer of 2005, I decided that I wanted to make my proposal. I was living and working in the city of Philadelphia, earning less than $30,000 per year. Those were exciting times, but challenging ones, too. I was scrapping to get by. And I was in no position whatsoever to make an investment in a diamond ring. But I was in love, and I didn’t want to wait until I had the resources saved to really do it the right away. So I made my first major purchase on credit on what I believe was really the only card in my position at the time with the understanding that I’d simply need to pay it off a little at a time as commissions rolled in from my future sales efforts.

Unfortunately that plan fell apart for me very quickly. I could not handle the weight that I felt carrying a debt burden around. It drove me completely crazy. I was not content with paying a couple hundred dollars each month to cut down the balance down over time. I needed resolution, quickly. I wanted so very badly to escape the claustrophobia that I felt as a result of this new burden, so I began acting impulsively in hopes to flee the uncomfortable circumstances that I had created. The progression unfolded something like this…

debt  claustrophobia  OCD driven thinking  panic  impulsive attempts to escape  further indebtedness  captivity  feelings of hopelessness

I made many impulsive attempts to flee my circumstances but was never successful. My main escape method of choice was gambling. During college I spent about $200 funding a sportsbook wagering account one fall and I won around $1,200-$1,500 betting small on college football games. Ultimately however I surrendered everything that I had won because I got greedy and I began making riskier plays as a result of the grandiose ideas that flooded my mind when a little bit of prosperity came my way. And when the season was over, I wasn’t really engaged in gambling anymore whatsoever. Not until that is I began to feel desperate for another source of income to pay off my recently created debt burden.

It seems crazy to a logical thinking person that gambling could possibly serve as a reasonable means for getting oneself out of debt. After all, Vegas was not built on winners (as we all know) and gambling only serves to put people FURTHER into debt, especially those that do it compulsively. And that’s where I was headed, quickly. I began with the online sportsbook that I was familiar with from my college years, but after realizing that I just couldn’t seem to win fast enough, I began investigating the site’s online casino. And that’s where things began to snowball wildly out of control. Sure, in the casino you could win quickly, but you could also lose quickly. With only a meager recent graduate’s income at my disposal, I ran out of cash fast, and I began opening new credit accounts to fund my chosen method of escape. If only I could have understood that by doing so I was only further imprisoning myself. Unfortunately, addicts don’t typically think far beyond the next hit.

The issue that kept me gambling was the same one that had led me to it in the first place. I was obsessed with the claustrophobic feeling that grew more and more profound as a result of my debt. As the balance that I owed rose exponentially, so with it did the impulsivity and anxiety that I felt and employed with regards to my circumstances. I literally felt that I had no choice but to gamble. The debt never lessened for more than a day or two. Even when I did win, I was never content to cash out. It was never enough. Just like my engagement ring payment obligations, I could not be content simply chipping away at my balance. So I pressed on, and often times I sacrificed some very significant winnings…$6K here, $10K there…there was a time in 2008 that I left $42K on the table (which could have solved nearly every financial issue that I had) because I felt that I needed more. I got so wrapped up in the release that I felt as a result of my winnings that the idea of finally being out of debt was no longer even enough. I was now more than a desperate man seeking a way out. I was a compulsive gambling addict.

As a result of debt and my corresponding gambling disorder, I did things that I could have never dreamed I’d be capable of doing. I forfeited an incredible amount of good people’s hard earned money, including that of my grandfather who busted his hump his entire life to ensure me an opportunity to buy my first home. It still sickens me to this day that gave up every ounce of equity that I had on my first mortgage to take a loan to fund the mess that I had created in my life. I sold most of anything that I had with any value, setting up ads on craigslist and running to pawn shops when I was desperate. And in order to continue bankrolling my gaming account and to stay on time with my bill payments, I even used store credit cards to purchase gift cards that I would sell at a discount for cash to a guy I met on the internet. I took payday loans at ridiculous interest rates. If there was a way to stretch a dollar, I found it. And I lied to people close to me. I snuck off to casinos when I had committed to being other places. I turned into a person I that I couldn’t even begin to look at in the mirror.

Thankfully, I have not gambled a dollar of my money in more than two and a half years. But debt does still linger in my life. And it does still have a profound impact on me, perhaps even more so in the last couple of years because I’ve been forced to live with the claustrophobic feeling that it leaves me without any true immediate means of escape. We can all see now that gambling was certainly not a viable saving grace, but because I believed that it could be, it did offer me some sense of comfort with the idea that things could turnaround at any moment with any hand. Today, I invest some of my money with the belief that my educated decisions will lead to growth over time. But I also understand that investing is not a quick fix. It takes patience; companies are not built nor are they transformed overnight. So at this stage in my life I am attempting to do something with these uncomfortable feelings that I haven’t ever truly been successful at accomplishing. I’m choosing to stay and fight instead of taking flight and rolling the dice on impulsivity. And I have to tell you, it’s hard, because claustrophobia is powerful.

Staying to fight does not mean that I intend on forfeiting any more of my life or my decision making to debt, however. I’ve done plenty of that and I’m now choosing to stay the course of my calling with faith that the Lord will lead me to greener pastures in His time. As long as my decisions revolve around lack, that’s all that I will continue to receive. My decisions will now be based on abundance through Christ. And I trust that by following His decrees I will wind up exactly where I need to be, lacking nothing. I’m far more fearful today to lack in personal and spiritual development than I am fearful of lacking of financial resources. I’ve learned to survive with very little. And while I would love to be freed completely of my debt burden, I know that my fresh financial start will come in time. But it will only arrive if I pursue the Lord’s abundance first with the belief and understanding that He is the source of all that I can possibly need in this life. I wish not to seek first the world, but to seek first the kingdom of God.

Well beyond the financial losses suffered over the course of the past eight plus years of my life there is something far more tragic that has taken place as a result of this claustrophobic issue known as debt. And it’s about more than late payment fees and exorbitant interest rates. It’s about what’s been sacrificed personally. It’s about what remains. Who have I become as a person? If I ran into Matt from 2005, would I even know him? Would I even know how to engage in a life without the compulsive thinking that I’ve embraced surrounding this issue? Would I even be comfortable living without the anxiety, stress, and torment that it causes me every single day? It would take some time to relearn a normal lifestyle. But I would certainly welcome the challenge.

Debt has caused me relentless stress, and it has changed me as a person. It’s brought me tremendous anxiety and it’s made me irritable, hopeless, and at times controlling in my interactions with others. It’s pure evil. Although I don’t like to use this term, I do believe that debt is personal slavery. I wish it upon no one. Be careful with the choices that you make as a borrower. Live a cash funded life as much as possible. And don’t let MONEY shape who you are or what you become in this life. Neither lack nor abundance should discourage you from becoming the person that God has called you to be. The world may tell you otherwise, but our Lord has the ability to shape us into whatever He chooses so long as we choose Him first and lean not on our own understanding. There are many amazing businesses that would have never built and lives that would have never have been touched if our world’s revolutionary thinkers had focused on lack and not on potential. Step forward in faith and change the world. I’m tasking myself with the same goal, so I can assure you that you will not be alone in your efforts.

When I become claustrophobic I tend to tense up my entire body. My chest grows tight and I feel that I’m beginning to have trouble breathing properly. A lump presents itself in my throat it grows hard for me to swallow. My mind starts to race along with my heartbeat, and my palms begin to feel clammy. And then, I imagine Jesus Christ reaching out to me in the darkness. He takes hold of trembling hand and from my head he lifts the cover that’s long confined me and hidden me from the light. All of sudden, I can breathe again. And everything is calm. I realize that what’s surrounding me is not threatening at all. I was simply misguided as I obsessively focused more on what frightened me about the darkness rather than what excited me about the light. Now it’s crystal clear. In the light there are no limits, no fears, and no lack. I can see it now, and it’s beautiful. I look at Jesus and I say “Thank you, Lord. I trust You. Your will be done.”