setback2comeback

disarming the devil

A couple of weeks ago I awoke in an absolute panic. It was around 1:00 in the morning. I was having a terrifying dream. I shot up from the bed gasping frantically for air and shaking in fright from the alarming image that had burned its impression on my mind. This was not by any means the first time that I had encountered anxiety in my sleep. In fact, over the past ten plus years of my life, I’ve learned that I am far more vulnerable to panic attacks in my sleep than I am to them while I’m awake. Generally I’ve found that they occur shortly after I drift off to rest when I am very stressed or anxious and my mind has been racing. As a rule, they almost always develop within the first 30-45 minutes of my sleep. It’s never been easy handling those experiences, but I’ve learned to gather myself and return to rest a bit more easily over the years as I’ve gained a better understanding of what’s actually taking place. It’s alarming each and every time, there’s no do about that, but it is something that’s manageable. This particular night however, I encountered something a bit different. And the experience that I had shook me beyond a panic attack. Panic attacks are a by-product of fear manipulating the mind. But this was real.

I can’t recall any part of the dream that I was having at the time I awoke other than the last image that I confronted in my sleep. It was the image of the devil. But it wasn’t the devil in the form of the demon-like creature that we generally imagine as the representation of evil. It was human. If I were able to sketch the image for you, one might simply identify the drawing as a dark and twisted, soulless human being. They wouldn’t know from the sketch that it was the devil. But I knew…I knew immediately. And “knowing” left me with the most disturbing feeling that I’ve ever had in my life. The devil was peering at me with an arrogance that is indescribable. It was as if he was inviting me to the darkness, but somehow he knew he already had me in his grips. He looked at me as though I didn’t have a choice in the manner, as if to say “you’re coming with me”. It was absolutely terrifying.

That’s when I woke from my sleep. I sat up in bed shaking with the feeling that the evil that I had encountered was not by any means gone. And as I looked up to the right corner of the bedroom, I sensed that it was there. Initially I thought I saw a dark mass in that area of the room, but then as I fully awakened and gathered myself it seemed to disappear. Perhaps I was still dreaming upon my initial observation, but it still felt as though the devil himself was menacingly threatening me from nearby.

I was lost in fear. The feelings that came over me were not consistent with those that I’ve grown accustomed to dealing with during moments of anxiety and panic. These were far more aggressive. If I were to describe the feeling that I had as a pain in my body, I would describe it as deep and throbbing….the type of aching that you feel in your bones. It made me sick. And I thought for quite some time that I would need to run to bathroom to throw up. But somehow physically I was able to hold it together. Mentally however, I was a mess. Why was this happening? I clutched the cross pendant on my chest and began to pray. And later that morning, when I finally was able to drift off to sleep, I did so with my Bible lying on my chest. I could not close my eyes without knowing that I had the Lord’s Word and a visual representation of His protection nearby.

The next day I was met with some of the most intense anxiety that I had encountered in months. And the really interesting part about this is that I had just come off of four straight days where I had proactively worked to confront my limitations by taking action against them. I was running again after having taken months off to deal with a great deal of stress associated with some major life transitions. And I was feeling great about it. I was regaining my wind and beginning to feel healthy again, and I knew that I could carry my momentum forward. Until that is, the devil intervened and attempted to steer me off course.

The anxiety created by my face to face encounter with evil on that frightful night did eventually subside. But admittedly, for two weeks now I have not been myself. I’ve felt hopeless, and more than anything I’ve felt trapped and consumed by the mistakes of my past. I’ve seen limitations instead of opportunities. I’ve seen walls instead of freedom. And I haven’t been able to engage the promising vision that I’ve had for my future. It’s not to say that I’ve forgotten about my dreams altogether, but rather that what in the past seemed very plausible has recently has felt like a one in a million miracle shot. And that’s caused me a lot of internal despair. It’s made me feel as though I’ll never truly see my way back into the light. It’s made me feel like quitting on life.

But that’s all a bunch of bull. Those negative feelings were thoughtfully positioned by the devil. In fact, what I described is EXACTLY what he wants us to feel. If we feel trapped, hopeless, and lost in despair we will remain under his thumb forever. And we will become servants to the darkness. We’ll never find our way back into the light by accepting evil’s prognosis for our future. Things will only get worse.

The good news is that we have a choice. We don’t need to buy the limiting, destructive program being offered to us. In my dream I recall very clearly that while the devil was glaring at me arrogantly, he was still standing at a distance from me. He seemed to embody a confidence that he somehow had me hooked and that I would simply turn and follow him. But he himself DID NOT have the power to force me to go with him. That was going to ultimately be my choice. And that is the way that things unfold in this life we’re given. We are presented with temptation after temptation. We are confronted by feelings of weakness, lack, and defeat. And sometimes we are impacted by troubling circumstances beyond our control. But ultimately we hold the final say in how those things will affect us moving forward. And if we step into the light, we can overcome anything that the evil one throws at us.

So how is that we do this? How do we step out of the darkness and into the light? My feeling is that we accomplish this by letting go. This is not an easy process by any means. It takes tremendous courage. Essentially we must bring to light everything in us that has been hidden by the darkness. All of us carry limitations, weaknesses, and fears that hold us back. But my contention is that when we speak openly about the things that burden us we disarm them as anchors that would otherwise hold us captive. I’ve experienced this in my own life. When I began writing two and a half years ago, I was suffering tremendously with very limiting anxiety. And some of the things that I disclosed were very hard for me to bring to the light. But as I shared them with my followers, I found that I was able to make my peace with each item that I addressed and soon after, healing and restoration began to unfold in those areas of my life. And it happened in ways that I could have never previously imagined.

“It happened in ways that I could have never previously imagined”; that’s a powerful statement worth repeating. There is something amazing that happens when we let go of our burdens, step into the light, and let the man upstairs begin directing our lives. When we trust in Him, our weaknesses tend to fade. Our problems tend to find resolution. Our limitations transition into our greatest strengths. And our past simply becomes part of a beautiful story of resurrection that would have never unfolded had it not been for the adversities that we faced that caused us to seek a higher power and a new way of living.

Imagine standing at the edge of an ocean pier with that twisted, soulless image of a human being (the devil himself) standing next to you. He has a gun aimed at your head. You are trembling with fear. You feel trapped. You feel that you’ve lost control of your life. Your dreams have faded. You’re one step from drowning in the abyss behind you, and evil has its intentions pointed down the barrel of a loaded gun at your forehead. But then a glimmer of light pierces through the clouds from the sky above and catches your eye. And you’re reminded of who’s really in control. You look at the devil and proceed to grasp the gun that he has pointed at you, tearing it from his hands. You open the chamber, and one by one you toss every bullet into the ocean and hand the weapon back to him. The sun begins to shine and confidently you walk off the pier and back onto solid ground. And your new life begins.

Every bullet from that chamber was a limitation, a weakness, or a fear that had previously held you captive. And as you seized the weapon from the devil and discarded each and every one of those bullets into the ocean, you let go of the past, you let go of the darkness, and you stepped into the light and onto a boundless path blazed specifically for you by your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. You, my friend are now free, so long as you continue to choose the light. Let go, and live again; live new in faith.

I smile as I write the final words of this entry because I’m thankful to have been given wisdom through recent conversations with God in prayer and through some very influential lessons at my church to understand the direction that I need to take on my own journey. I smile because I am eager to find my freedom and live new in faith as well. I smile because I am determined to bring the parts of me that remain in the darkness into the light very soon. I smile because in doing so I know that I will disarm the devil. And I smile because I know that soon my new journey will begin.

Thank you, Jesus for inviting me to join you in the light. I love you. Amen.

finding the full-time “you”

On the day that we were born we were provided an environment that became the foundation of our persona. It may have been a nurturing, loving, and encouraging place. Or it may have been one of uncertainty, pain, and fear. For the better part of our childhood, we were given all that we knew. We had no choice in our surroundings. And we had no ability to control the outcomes of our lives. In a sense, we were held captive by the lives that we were offered. Labeled as fortunate or neglected, we came to know our prescribed positions in life’s pecking order as a result of what was given us.

Scientific studies have proven that our personalities are nearly completely formed by the time we reach age 7. The traits that we exhibit by this age will likely become the ones that remain present in us for the duration of our adult lives. That sure seems unfair, doesn’t it? I mean perhaps it is acceptable for those rare occurrences when a child is offered a near flawless upbringing. But in a world filled with sinful, imperfect human beings who find themselves engaged in their very own struggles of personal growth, the likelihood is that very few of us were offered a Utopian childhood. So is it acceptable then? Should we all embody the flaws of a childhood persona that we never willingly chose?

The good news is that regardless of our imperfect beginnings in this world, we are all children of a perfect, loving God. And we all have been given equal opportunity to excel in life in the manner in which the Lord has called us. God cares about us, about our personal growth, and about our spiritual journey with Him. He has the power to inspire us to build a new life, one of our choosing and not one simply of circumstance. We are not called to live a life of chance, but rather we are called to live a life of faith.

You were given a prescription at an early age for the direction of the course of your life. It may have been outwardly spoken, or it may have been more subtle, concealed instruction. And as you grew into adulthood, your persona – the very core of your being, began guiding your path. Your relationships, your decisions about the future, your education, your career…in all likelihood they’ve all been shaped in one way or another by the personality that’s been in place since age 7. And if you’re anything like me, you may have spent many years never thinking twice about how you ended up where you arrived in your adult life. It’s just the natural course of existence playing out as it was meant to, right?

In walks adversity. With a body blow and a right hook, it knocks us down but it doesn’t knock us out. Life goes on as we struggle valiantly to continue the fight and maintain our prescribed course…that is until hardship returns again, and again, and again. And then at some point, we pay a visit deep within our souls and reach out to God for help. Perhaps it’s our first time speaking to the Lord in an intimate way. Maybe we’ve found ourselves with nowhere left to turn. And so we offer ourselves up to the Lord seeking forgiveness, seeking direction, and seeking restoration. We have nothing left to lose, and we’ve decided once and for all that life cannot go on in a manner this unfulfilling and painful.

Soon after, as we let go and let God into our lives, the truth is revealed to us. And like a child taking his or her first breath, we are reborn. Patterns are revealed. Forgiveness is offered. Weights are lifted. It’s as if we’ve lived our lives blinded and we’ve only now been given the ability to see all that’s in front of us. And it’s not simply circumstance and surroundings, but rather meaning, purpose, and the true path to success and fulfillment. A path that is unique to us…unique to the calling that God has in mind for us. What an amazing blessing! Just writing about it brings butterflies to my stomach and a flutter to my chest.

Being born anew is a process that I feel most Christians go through when they reconnect intimately with their Lord and Savior. Having once lived completely captive to my own darkness, I can personally tell you that it’s an absolutely beautiful, liberating experience to be offered new life through Christ. The devil would like for us to believe in our perceived weaknesses, to view ourselves as victims of chance and worldly setbacks and to embrace the deficiencies of our early childhood developed personas. Because in doing so, we are providing him with the ability to limit us through the promotion of fears and failures that cause us to shrink back and reduce our participation in life. We essentially become servants to limited thinking and forfeit our God given purpose. But when we allow light to shine back into our lives through a spiritual rebirth, our light magnifies and creates inspiration and movement among others in the darkness. And the battle between good and evil shifts even further into the favor of the Lord.

But the battle does not end with our rebirthing experience. The devil will continue to aggressively pursue those whom he has previously held captive, because their liberation poses a real threat to his evil schemes. You will become a marked target. And as you choose to redefine your adult persona through your faith in Christ, you will be challenged by the world and tempted by circumstance to shrink back into comfort. Yes, comfort. It can be very comfortable to embody a fearful, weak, angry, and inadequate perception of yourself if that’s what your childhood developed persona embodies. If negativity and adversity has been the prevailing pattern in your life, it’s going to take sincere sustained efforts to blaze a new trail. God gives us the vision, but we are called to put His vision into action.

Putting the vision into action can be difficult. Sometimes what God calls us to do during our spiritual awakening is found to be quite unconventional by traditional standards. It takes faith. And if we’re not strong, we will become very easily influenced by the world around us and the demands that modern living puts on our time and resources. I am a man who attempts to be very committed to his faith. But I personally must admit that I haven’t fully bought in to God’s plan for my life since my rebirthing experience a couple of years ago. And it should be no surprise that I have felt unfulfilled inside for quite some time as a result. I’ve allowed circumstance and worldly considerations to disrupt God’s vision for my life. I’ve made excuses to direct myself off course in order to fulfill obligations that I’ve made myself believe need to take precedence over stepping out in my faith. And that’s wrong. It’s no surprise that I’ve felt torn inside and as though I’m simply going through the motions as a believer. I have been. My commitment needs more substance.

In the early years of my life I developed a personality not fully of my choosing that I discovered through my rebirth in Christ to be off track with my calling. Today, I am continuously working to reshape my persona with God’s vision for me in mind. I am forgiven, I am new, but it has taken a relentless fight against the devil to prevail against a failure laden past demeanor. Darkness has tempted me with every adversity imaginable. The devil has directed me off course several times, and I have allowed it as a willing participant. But today, I stand again strong in the Lord, speaking out against evil, taking responsibility, and stating my determination to get back on track with my vision – with God’s vision. I must embrace my purpose to achieve any sense of happiness and fulfillment within myself. And I must follow the Lord’s direction so that my light will shine for others.

Sometimes, it appears to me that the modern demands of life call us to be part time participants in faith. Worldly values do not often match spiritual values. We are frequently influenced to do things in life based upon worldly standards of thinking. And God gets pushed to the side. We offer ourselves to Him in our spare time, or perhaps on nights or weekends. But we somehow struggle to incorporate Him into a full time role because we have other methods of sustainability and success in mind. What we fail to remember is that He is all we need. Perhaps if we placed more trust in Him and relied less on conventional thinking, our worldly needs would be met in ways previously unimagined. And we’d find fulfillment in our lives reaching beyond our wildest dreams.

God wants you to be you. Your rebirth in Christ has revealed that. He loves you, and He is ready to bring you to Glory in His name. When you surrendered yourself to the Lord in that moment of adversity leading to your awakening, you sacrificed your old ways of thinking in favor of the Lord’s. And He was thankful to liberate you from circumstantial living because from the moment that you were born He saw your potential. The old you is gone. The new you is here. And you are free to be you, FULL TIME – God would not have it any other way.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” (Marianne Williamson)

welcome to life: apply within

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” (John Lennon)

At 31 years old, I cannot think of a better way to address this question now than the way that John Lennon did as a 5 year old. We are meant to believe as children that there is a predetermined destiny laid out before us. And that all we need to do is uncover what that destiny is, and then the stars will align and all will be well for us. We are led to believe that we will embrace success in short order. After all, we will have found our niche in society, and as a result we’ll step forward with confidence and embark on a lifelong career doing “what it is we love to do.” We’ll marry young, settle down in a quiet neighborhood, perhaps buy a little land, raise a few kids, and work out our days living our life’s dream. You remember the dream…it’s the same one that we had when we were 5 years old…

Now, raise your hand if you’re not doing today what it is that you thought you would when you were a Kindergartner? Life simply doesn’t work out that way for most of us. Sure, there are kids who are “bred” to be doctors, lawyers, or to serve their communities as firemen or police officers. But most of us have traveled a far more convoluted road to our destination. And that destination where we find ourselves…is it really the last stop on our journey? Most of us would be hesitant to commit to such an idea. We’re not ready to close the door on future career moves. And it doesn’t matter if we’ve found ourselves in a position that is seemingly perfect on the surface. It’s not about finding the perfect job, it’s about finding the perfect “you”…and that’s a lifelong journey, not a short range destination.

Today, I find myself unexpectedly unemployed. This June I decided that it was time for me to move on from my comfort zone in a well-established, successful career to take a leap of faith and move into an industry that was completely unfamiliar to me. I gave up financial security and known surroundings to put myself into a pool of uncertainty with a salary less than half of what I had been earning in my previous position. In part I took the risk for the growth opportunity and leadership role that I had envisioned in my new venture. But for more reason than any other, I took the risk because THE RISK was who I had become.

Things didn’t work out as I had hoped. Two months into my employment I had an expense reimbursement check bounce. And then I began to miss paychecks. Currently, I hold four different checks from the company that I am still unable to cash. And I have a fifth and final paycheck due this Friday. I don’t know if I will ever receive the money that I am due. It will likely take a lawsuit for me to see anything from the individuals who misled me into taking the position.

It’s easy to feel angry and jaded in my position. It’s far harder to let go and keep pressing forward. But that’s what I must do. That’s what I feel God has called me to do. I do not regret the experience, because I learned a lot about myself in these last several months. As I mentioned earlier, I discovered through this opportunity that I AM a risk taker. I am not a person who can settle into comfort and be content. And for that, I am very proud. Being a risk taker affords you all of the opportunities in the world. Doors open and welcome competitive minded individuals who are not afraid to put themselves into harm’s way. Comfort confines, risk rewards.

Two years ago, I was operating in an agoraphobic like state of mind. I was beaten down and starved by comfort and by my fears of the world around me. The events of my life had sent my anxiety spiraling out of control for the better part of a year, and my body began responding in a lot of absolutely terrifying ways. I became afraid to exist outside of the one bedroom apartment where I hid from any and all threats to engage in a life taking place without me. My world was shrinking every day…the walls were closing in. I missed a great friend’s wedding due to shear panic and I even spent Thanksgiving at home alone due to fear. A risky move for me two years ago would have been waiting in line at a drive-thru for a cup of coffee at a local McDonald’s, or heading to the grocery on a weekend to do some shopping.

At the time it was hard for me to see myself being in a position where I’d want to ever take a risk again. I was simply trying to survive, one day at a time. That was until I began to truly put everything into God’s hands. And slowly but surely, I began to heal. I stepped forward in faith, one day at a time, trusting that He would catch me should I ever fall. I forgot about logic, about all of the reasons why I could not do something, and I began to engage the idea that God had me in His hands, and that I had survived the worst of all that had plagued me for a very real reason…because He wanted me to live and grow with Him and share my story with everyone whom I would encounter in my life.

I became a risk taker due to my relationship with God. I learned that there is no fear in anything when you remember that God is behind you. Imagine having faith so strong that you KNOW that you cannot fail? You’d probably be willing to try and do more in every area of your life. That’s the way that I came to feel. I simply could not fail. A setback was just a redirection of my course or a reminder to focus in and continue to pray hard and trust in my faith. It was an absolutely enlightening way to live.

But I am not without weakness. Because I put so much faith into taking the risks that I did in recent months, I felt considerably deflated by the losses that I consequently suffered. Today however I recognize that those events were simply a redirection of course on my lifelong journey. I am now focused back in. God has a bigger purpose in mind. And piece by piece He is molding His creation into something sustainable. A risk taker needs to be able to understand that reward does not always follow every pursuit. He needs to be conditioned to keep trudging forward in spite of disappointment and loss. Because of the lessons that I learned as a result of this experience, I now feel that I am ready to go on my way, stronger than ever. And I thank the Lord for His work in me.

At five years old if you had asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I would have probably told you that I wanted to play basketball at UNC and then move on to a professional career with the Chicago Bulls. Today, I follow an ideal more like that of John Lennon – I want to be happy. And what truly makes me happy is learning who I am through my life with Christ and continuing to grow and embrace new opportunities that fit who I am as a person. It’s not about a dream job. If I’m growing, the idea of my dream job will always continue to evolve with my own personal growth. Today, I am a risk-taker. I am a competitor. I am a leader. I am an honest, caring individual who believes that all things are possible. I am the man that God is molding me into being. I have not arrived, and I will not ever truly arrive. Every day, every month, every year I hope to continue to add more to my personal resume. Not just in career highlights, but in personal and spiritual growth. Because that’s where it is that my true value lies.

I’m back on the job market. And I hope to find employment soon. But my identity will never be shaped solely by a career. My purpose is to grow with God. I have accepted the fact that I probably won’t ever know the precise answer to that “what do you want to be when you grow up?” question. But if I was pressed to answer, I’d respond a lot like little John did…I’d want to be a happy, and more than anything, I’d want work on building a resume more like that of my greatest career mentor, Jesus Christ. Because this life is simply an application for admission into the greatest retirement plan one could ever imagine…eternal life in Heaven with our wonderful Creator.

Thank you, Jesus for molding me into who I am today and for never giving up on a sinner like me. I’m sure that I have given you countless headaches, but you have never once left my side. My heart is full. I love you.

why not me?

Many of us desire change in our lives. And as humans we can often find ourselves easily lured into the devil’s snare as our impatience and longing for revolution causes us to focus on the negatives and vocalize our dissatisfaction with life and our present circumstances. We may not realize it in those moments of impulsivity when we find ourselves overwhelmed with emotion and seeking confirmation for our feelings, but we are only further imprisoning ourselves. We cannot attain the outcomes that we seek by simply complaining about our present situation and waiting for our miraculous turnaround to come seek out our participation. Life requires us to not only be present but to be ready to deliver on our commitments as well. It takes action to be revolutionary.

Positive thinking is a daily grind. It requires discipline to create a new, habitual way of processing our thoughts, feelings, and perceptions of the world around us. To say that anyone has mastered it would be making a false claim. It’s a lifelong journey. Even the strongest and most resilient minds will be tested with adversity on a regular basis. The true revolutionary thinkers, the professionals in the art of positive thinking differentiate themselves from the masses by the way that they respond to trials and testing. Such individuals have achieved a level of mindfulness that allows them to process everything in a very intimate way. And because of this, they see the opportunity in every adverse situation that they face. Rather than reacting with fear or anxiety that would send most of us running back to comfort, they step forward with quiet confidence, and they take action.

Mindfulness is a wonderful thing. It has played a significant role in my own personal journey to sound mental health. “Being aware” is a very valuable characteristic to possess. In fact, it’s my opinion that as humans it’s the key to our happiness. But it requires an intimacy with oneself that can be difficult for many of us to attain. To be mindful, we must eliminate the distractions and personal vices and habits that have served to protect us from ourselves. Often times, such belongings and behaviors are long established in our lives, and they’re not easy to give up. They provide us with comfort, reassuring us that we will always be able to flip the channel when the show playing out in front us is too painful for our viewing.

The good news is that there is a way to be comfortable and at the same time seek mindfulness. And that’s through faith. We must let go of our need to control all outcomes and also relieve ourselves of the anxious desire to plan our escape route to the nearest exit should things unravel. We need to remember that God is holding us in the palm of His hand. He is not going to give us more than we are able to handle. We have His promise. If we surrender our lives to Him, He will stand by us forever. He will introduce us to ourselves. Through our relationship with Him we will discover our true purpose in life. Our plan will unfold piece by piece. The enemy will be revealed to us as well, but we will not fear. Instead we will continue to take action in FAITH and promote the changes that we so deeply desire in our lives.

The specialists in positive thinking know the enemy well. They are no more immune to the attacks and manipulation of evil than you or I. In fact I would argue that they are seen as marked targets of the devil. Because to the devil, they represent a threat. Imagine if we could all be taught to look temptation in the eye and resist repeatedly with unwavering faith as our backing… Can you envision a world where doubt and fear never limited anyone’s God given talents and abilities? A world where our mantra becomes “why not me? I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” Wow. We would be unstoppable.

I read an interesting devotional the other evening that really provided me with a lot of assurance about the influence and power that we have in conjunction with the known strength our Heavenly father. The teaching reminded me that the devil cannot take action on his own. He must act through channels of the world and the flesh. He carries out his desires to destroy all that is good through people, praying on those whose faith is weak. His plots often take time to bring all of the evil that he desires to pass, but if we take the bait and accept his devious invitations to participate in his plans, we will see that he has the ability to destroy everything around us very quickly. If however we resist the devil and turn to our faith in the Lord, we can overcome evil every single time it rears its ugly head. Because unlike the devil, our God does not rely on the world or the flesh to carry out His desires. He is able to rescue us from the darkness and return us to the light immediately. We must simply turn away from temptation and call upon Him, and He will be there. We have His promise.

As I mentioned earlier, mindfulness is a very powerful resource to acquire. But mindfulness accompanied by faith is even more remarkable. When you become aware of yourself and are able to identify the attacks of the enemy, you can render evil powerless. And that’s a great feeling. Because the devil requires worldly participants to carry out his destructive plan, and you, for one are not going to be in attendance. As a mindful, faith based individual, you will have the ability to see adversity for what it is. Often, it’s merely a manipulative invitation from the devil to direct you off course and lead you back to the darkness. The beauty of it is that you don’t have to go. You can stay where you are, in the light, forever. You must simply resist temptation and step forward in faith. Ignore the threat and remember that you are not alone. You are in the palm of His hand. And He rewards and takes pride in those who act upon faith.

When you’ve rendered evil powerless in your life, it becomes a lot easier to remain in a positive mindset. That does not mean that you won’t be tempted or threatened, because you most certainly will. But if you remain strong in the faith and continue to devote yourself to being mindful, you’ll be able to avoid the majority of the pitfalls that the devil has planned for you. It’s important to remember that he prays on weakness, so you must know where you are vulnerable and pay close attention to those areas in your life. Then continue to move forward with God’s plan for your journey. If you recall, I mentioned earlier that you will receive the road map for your life piece by piece. Personally, I’ve found as I put my own puzzle together each step forward often requires more faith than the one taken before. But that’s all part of the plan, you see. The further off you head on your journey, the closer you grow in your relationship with God. And soon, you realize that the destination doesn’t matter at all. Because you trust that wherever you are going, you’re going with Him, and it doesn’t get any better than that.

Your steps in faith are the key to your freedom. You will open doors in your life that you never even knew existed if you simply let go and allow the Lord to guide your footsteps. Now, letting go does not mean sitting back. The Lord will direct your footsteps, but He wants you to take the action. If He were to do it for you, that wouldn’t require much faith. It’s the steps that we take trusting in Him and His plan despite any fears, doubts, temptations, and resistance that the devil puts in our way that will truly lead us to the life that we’ve always desired. It’s those steps that lead us closer to Him and to His favor. And friends I’m telling you when you’re a friend of God, all things are possible.

So if you’re looking for change in your life, if you want to be revolutionary, you need to focus on building your awareness through faith and taking meaningful action. You need to ignore the masses and trust in God. There will always be critics and naysayers; we’ve all been one at one time or another. Revolutionaries don’t wait for the masses. They don’t sit back and hope for a knock at their door inviting them to participate in life. They take action inspired by their beliefs. You cannot wait for the right moment to engage, or you will wait forever. Believe me, the devil knows every trick in the book to fool you into taking cover. He knows how to keep your body aching and your mind racing. Ignore it. It’s a trap. Do not accept his invitation. Instead, let the temporary discomfort wash over you like a wave on a beach and remain calm, trusting that your God is bigger than your problems. Remember, the devil can only wreak havoc with willing participants, of which you are NOT one. Step forward in faith, and piece by piece your journey will unfold.

You’ll be astonished by what God will do in your life – and someday you’ll pay your positive energy forward, teaching others the mantra… “Why not me? I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.”

the coffee is free in heaven

It was Thanksgiving Day. We would all be gathered around the living room in my grandparent’s old farmhouse. Someone would pick up the newspaper and an advertisement would spark a familiar conversation. “You know the price of coffee at Hardee’s is now $0.37.”

“No it’s not Miriam, it’s $0.39.”

“Arlene, I was there yesterday and I had a cup of decaf and it was $0.37.”

The gentle bickering that would follow over a couple of pennies could last the better part of an hour. And this wasn’t the first time that my grandmothers had shared such a conversation. In fact, it had become somewhat of a holiday tradition. Today it’s something that everyone in my family is able to smile and joke about as we reflect back on the memories of years past.

Looking back on those conversations, it’s hard to know who was right. After all, the rest of us could have cared less about the cost of a cup of coffee, and so there was never a third party calling victory for either side. It’s a shame there wasn’t because we could have saved them the better part of several afternoons if we had any knowledge of the Hardee’s breakfast menu. Both of my grandmothers could be quite stubborn with each other, but it was all in love and good humor. They were both extremely sharp minded individuals, and they enjoyed being right. But neither carried a spiteful bone in their bodies. They were just happy for the conversation.

On Saturday, April 6th I lost my grandmother, Miriam Gebhart, who will be forever known to me as “Grammy” to a 10 year battle with Alzheimer’s, two days after the 15 year anniversary of my “Nini’s” passing. In the later years of her life, Grammy’s previously sharp mind deteriorated fairly swiftly. During the early stages of the disease’s progression, life became undoubtedly difficult and frustrating for her. And I’m sure that she felt very lost. She was unable to recall things as she once had, and she began losing her independence, something that she had embraced every day that I had known her as a part of my life. And it was difficult on my family. I felt the pain deep in my heart particularly on days when Grammy began to lose recognition of us. It was devastating for my Mom, and it broke me to see her go through it. I will never forget the pain of those visits.

As time went by, Grammy became viewed by most as simply a shell of her former self. But not all was lost. There were moments of clarity and recognition. Perhaps the utterance of a familiar word or the smile on her face that allowed us to know that there was still a very real, very genuine light on inside. As we stood witness to the progression of her tragic disease, those moments grounded us and gave us peace. And Grammy knew that. Giving was her gift.

She was far too stubborn to succumb to her illness. Her mind may have been compromised by it, but her body remained incredibly strong and resilient. So she would hold on for as long as she possibly could physically. Because in each new day, Grammy saw an abundance of opportunities to reach out to others. Even in moments of confusion, even when people might have assumed that she had become completely dissociated with everything around her, Grammy was still very much alive inside. And she proved this with her undying commitment to loving those around her. Grammy held on, because she knew that she brought others joy and happiness. And that was what she lived for, that is how I remember her.

Grammy did not have a negative thing to say about anyone or anything. She was an absolutely wonderful person. And she made every effort to go out of her way to make others happy. She was completely selfless. Looking back on memories of her from when I was a child, now as an adult I am left speechless and in complete envy of her. Because I know how difficult it is to not let life’s burdens interrupt your peace. The devil is always trying to lead us astray with temptations, and it can be a real battle to remain grounded. But for Grammy, this appeared completely effortless. She was a person of tremendous strength. And she was a woman that God looked down upon with great favor, I believe for a very specific reason…

Romans 13:8 reads “Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law.” Grammy understood this principle, and she put it into practice every day of her life. She loved others unconditionally. Even when she was tested, she never offered anything other than more of her very best. Alzheimer’s could take away her mind, but it could not take her heart and her ability to love everyone around her. So she held on, and she made our lives richer in the process. What a selfless act. It would have been easy to quit, but Grammy kept fighting, for us. She knew that we needed her, and so she stayed as long as she could, overcoming several physical setbacks and the natural limitations of her body at 94 years old. She stayed to love us one last time.

That’s a beautiful thing. I can’t think of a more generous gift, and I will be forever indebted to her for her commitment to me and my family. And beyond that, I will remain thankful to her for the wonderful example that she set for us with regards to how to love others. Grammy is the blueprint for the apostle Paul’s offering in Romans Chapter 13. I only hope that someday I turn out to be the type of person that she would be proud of – a man who loves selflessly and continues to give to others until the moment of his very last breath.

Grammy may have passed on from this life, but she did not lose her battle, not by any stretch of the imagination. She WON, in overwhelming fashion. She lived a life of love, a life of Christ. And today, I know that she is resting peacefully with our Lord in Heaven. It would truly take death to slow her propensity for giving. And my faith tells me that this is why Jesus called her. Because it was time for Grammy to be free to receive the most coveted gift of all…eternal life. It was time for her to be made whole again. It was time for her to fly.

On this day as we say goodbye one last time, I think it’s important that we remember that Grammy’s spirit is very alive and well. Her love resides in each of us. And if she had the ability to make any single request of us here today, I think that it would be pretty simple…”love one another”. It’s the very best way to lead a long, fulfilling life.

So Grammy, until we meet on the other side, I pray that you will continue to watch down on us from above and guide us to becoming more selfless, loving individuals. Because I know in my heart that this is what was most important to you. I love you and will never forget you. You will always live on as a part of me. Please tell Nini, Pap, and Grandpa “hello” for me. And forget about Hardee’s, the coffee is free in Heaven.

a new day, a new direction

Morgan James Team,

I want to first thank you from the bottom of my heart for the opportunity that you have provided me. Your interest in my writing means the world to me. It reminds me that I do have something unique to offer the world, and that I should embrace my gift.

I have the made the decision however not to complete my manuscript for Rising to the Surface. There are couple of reasons for this. First and foremost, I have begun to recognize that my published story may cause others pain and/or feelings of guilt. This is particularly true with the topics that involve my family. And I don’t want to put them through that. The most important thing is that I have made my peace with my life, and I truly have. I don’t need to hurt others to prove anything at this point.

Secondly, I realized not long ago that my writing and this story in particular wasn’t about selling books, it was about finding myself. Along my journey to self realization I did develop a strong desire to help not only myself but others as well, and that passion still burns inside of me. But I feel that I can approach those efforts in a different way. I am still learning and identifying how best to reach out. Perhaps at this point, my blog will continue to be the most useful outlet for that. I hope that you will all continue to follow my entries at http://www.setback2comeback.com.

Lastly, I must also let you know that I did become overwhelmed by the responsibility of putting this work together. And I don’t believe that any of it had to do with the time involved in completing the actual manuscript. I think that it was just very difficult for me to have to go back and revisit painful topic after painful topic over and over again. I remember the nights when I sat down and put those blogs together for the first time. Each entry was very difficult for me. I’d spend hours shaking with anxiety and eyes filled with tears just trying to get everything out. And when I’d finish, I’d feel the joy and satisfaction of a weight being lifted. So the thought of revisiting everything several times over to get the story to flow well in my manuscript well, it was just too much for me to handle. I enjoyed putting my past to rest, and I discovered quickly that I wasn’t ready to begin rewriting it.

I do feel that I have something very unique to offer the world, and I hope that writing will hold a significant seat in my future. But it’s time for me to move on from Rising to the Surface, at least in its current state. I need to continue to focus on bettering myself and improving the quality of life for those around me by embracing the opportunity that I have to write freely in my blog.

I am very sorry that I was unable to follow through with my commitment. I hope that you are able to appreciate my position. Perhaps we’ll do business with each other on another work in the near future; only time will tell. I thank you again for this tremendous opportunity. You are a wonderful group of people and I wish you all nothing but the very best.

May God Bless!

light the fire

Just start writing, Matt. You’ve put this off for far too long. What are you so afraid of anyway? Is it failure? Is it the thoughts of others that intimidate you? What happened to you? How did you lose yourself? You were so strong, so confident, so inspired. You began with one key motivation: honesty. Honesty means saying the things that you feel, even when it’s difficult to do so. At the onset of this journey you were okay with the temporary discomfort, because you trusted in God’s plan for your life. You KNEW that if you spoke from the heart that you would find the truth. And in the truth you would find your freedom. You would find your life.

But somehow you lost your passion and drive. You began to forfeit yourself for the distractions around you. Life became all consuming. The world began to once again feel as if it was overwhelming you. You started making excuses for settling back into limited thinking. And as things grew more and complicated, your world continued to shrink. The walls began closing in. You tried desperately to settle back into security…to make excuses for the way that things were and for the prospects of your future. But you quickly found that there was something horribly unsettling about being comfortable. In fact, there was something awfully destructive beginning to take place inside of you. The fire that once burned, igniting a powerful flame to light the torch for others to navigate the darkness was beginning to fade. In fact, it had been nearly extinguished. Only a small glowing ember remained. It was time to fan the flame.

I watch a show pretty regularly on the Discovery Channel called Dual Survival. You’ve probably seen these types of programs before. Two guys are dropped in the middle of an extreme wilderness setting with little more than the clothes on their backs and are forced to live off the land and find their way out of their desperate circumstances by initiating a rescue. The entire hour of the program is very engaging, but the part that I find most fascinating is the duo’s ability to build a fire in even the most extreme of circumstances. Cody Lundin, one of the shows main characters is routinely able to take the tiniest of embers and gently handle and nurture it into a life sustaining, roaring fire. Fire is the most critical element of survival for the team. Without fire, the spirit dies and subsistence is threatened. It’s not simply about the physical threats that will arise without it, but the psychological as well.

You may find yourself in a place like me. Life has thrown you into a bit of a whirlwind. Perhaps you too have taught yourself not to thrive, but simply to survive. And in doing so, you’ve sacrificed a good part of who you are in the process. You know that the old “you” exists somewhere, but you feel lost in the darkness around you and seem unable to commit to taking action. Your fear has begun to paralyze you and your ability to move forward. So you stay still and wait. And not surprisingly, your circumstances remain the same. Perhaps you are waiting on the Lord to rescue you…but what if He is waiting on you to take the first step?

I think that it’s often too easily forgotten that the Lord has given us the most powerful survival asset of all, one that we carry with us at all times. It’s the Holy Spirit…the Spirit of truth that speaks to those of us who believe. The Spirit is the tiny burning ember that remains aglow within us no matter how troubled our circumstances may become. It is a reminder that while we may walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Christ is still alive inside of our hearts and He is ready to lead us back to the light. He is just waiting on us to take action, to fan the flame of faith and truth that will provide the light to shine the way to our rescue. God wants to direct us back to a life where we thrive. Survival is meant to be a short term stay. Life is meant to be embraced. After all, it’s the Lord’s gift to us.

So if you find yourself lost, conflicted, scared, perhaps even hopeless…I encourage you to reignite your faith. Engage your relationship with God, for He is the answer to all things. There is no situation too desperate, no obstacle too forbidding for the Lord to help you overcome. Nurture the ember that glows within you. Take the fear that restrains you and transform it unto unwavering faith by trusting that you don’t need to have all the answers…you just need to have the guts to stand for the truth. Because when we’re embracing the person that the Lord created us to be His plan comes together for us in miraculous fashion. We don’t own the map that illustrates how to get to that ever elusive light at the end of the tunnel, God does. And if we trust that by stepping forward with faith, little by little our flame will burn brighter and light the way. And we’ll find that we will end up at our destination faster than we had ever imagined, and we’ll enjoy every aspect of the journey in the process, even the difficult ones.

God didn’t create you to be anyone but you. It’s true…He broke the mold when He made you…just as He did with every single individual walking this planet. We are all unique by plan, and each of us has something very special to offer those around us. But our special gifts cannot ever be recognized if we choose to allow fear to threaten us into following the crowd, fitting in, and settling into comfort. We are meant to do big things. We all have a purpose…don’t let yours go to waste. The Lord gave you a voice, use it. Speak up about what it is you believe in, chase your dreams, engage your passions and truly become the change that you wish to see in the world – you have the power to do it…perhaps it is your calling?

Easy for me to say, right? I’m the person who started this blog by referencing my own unwillingness to embrace the life that I desire. Well, perhaps that’s a good point to be made. It’s not easy. Life is going to deal us blows. There will be distractions, and at times we will feel disconnected from the truth. And the devil will knock at our doors during moments of weakness seeking to cripple us with temptations. That’s why it is extremely important that during times of adversity and “survival” if you will that we remain committed to our faith, even when it’s a fight to do so. We cannot let that ember escape us. We must nurture it and guard it with all our might until the day comes that we find our spark and reignite the fire that leads us back to life.

I was lost, broken down, and at times I felt very discouraged. But I never gave up on my faith. I kept the ember burning. And although it took awhile, I believe that I’ve finally found my spark. I’m writing again, so that’s a start. I know that this little hobby of mine never led me astray before. And I trust that if I once again focus my commitments on speaking from the heart and leading everything I do with complete honesty and faith that I’ll learn to thrive again very soon.

So, with that being said, the filter is now officially off. I will no longer be silenced by critics who seek to quiet my voice. My honesty is what makes me special. My story is my gift. My writing is worthwhile, and it is very therapeutic for me. If it is seen as a benefit to someone else, even better. I will not be intimidated. I will not fear the judgment of anyone other than my Creator. I will be the man that God has called me to be.

Because starting today, my fire burns bright….

say something

I decided to try something a bit different for this evening’s blog entry.  Here is a short poem.  God bless you all!

Say Something

Say something profound,

Say something real.

Look inside for the story,

That speaks what you feel.

You’ve found your faith,

You’ve found your heart,

Embrace the new day,

For it’s your fresh start.

Be grateful for sunshine,

Be grateful for rain.

Learn to grow and evolve,

From the lessons in pain.

Give a gift that endures,

Give a gift that inspires.

Learn to be patient,

But maintain your desires.

Stay true to yourself,

Stay true to the Lord.

Resist the temptations,

That the devil brings forward.

Believe in your hopes,

Believe in your dreams.

God will grant miracles,

And He will redeem.

The bottom is not the end,

The bottom is the beginning.

It’s simply the place,

Where we all start living.